Under The Tree

This post is about my first born son Keane. He was born much to early at 19 weeks. I had complication in my pregnancy from the very early at 9 weeks and was on bed rest until I was hospitalized on November 6th, 2002. Three days later he was born. He was perfect in every way, 10 little fingers and toes, beautiful little lips and hands. Perfect just to small. He was born alive and lived for 6 1/2 hours! He was a little fighter and proved the doctors wrong. See they all said he wouldn't survive and would die before I gave birth because the drugs they had to give me were so potent, but they don't know our God. What a blessing from God for us to be able to meet our son and spend time with him before he went to be with the Lord. But oh how I miss him so much every day.



Recently I joined a group of moms' who are just like me, they are mommys who's children have died. I find great comfort and encouragement belonging to this group and I think it is great. I wish I would have found something like this right after I lost my precious baby Keane. I had briefly posted about him on my first blog and said I would right more later. In this group every week they give questions and we answer them. So each week you may see some posts that are titled Under The Tree, these will be my posts about Keane and this way you, my readers :) will also get to learn a little more about Keane. Although it can still be difficult sometimes, the one thing I never want to happen is for him to be forgotten. So little by little his story will be told. Here is one of the pictures I have of him, so small but so perfect!




How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?


It has been 7 1/2 years!! ( almost 8 ) since I lost my son Keane, he was born alive at 19 weeks. It really feels like it was just yesterday, the pain is always there.


My grief has changed considerably since the first 3 years, I still grieve for him, every day. I have just come to a place where I have taught myself how to live with the pain I constantly feel. Some days the grief will just hit me like a ton of bricks out of no where its kind of strange how that happens.


I wouldn't say my life is easier with out him at all. I don't think it ever will be easy here on earth with out him. The only way to describe it is that I have learned to live with the pain. It doesn't ever go away, you just learn how to cope with the intense feelings.



How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?


The first few months after I had him it was very difficult, I couldn't seem to grasp they whole thought of "Why my child and not theirs?" Why did mine have to go home to heaven so soon?" And then I got pregnant with my second son Matthias 6 months later, I was completely paranoid the whole pregnancy! I was convinced it was going to happen again, but it didn't :) Now days it doesn't bother me at all anymore


Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?


Right after we buried him, I went into counseling. I was a mess every night I cried myself to sleep, but barely held it together during the day. Counseling helped alot, but my way of therapy daily was just talking about him. How precious he was, he wanted he was, he much love we all had for him. Talking about him and proving he existed helped heal the wounds some. To this day I still talk about him. When people ask me how many children I have, I tell them 3 boys. Even though he was only here for a short time, He will always and forever be a part of me.


Lisa