Walking with you, Grace for the Journey - The Sea of Grief

Its that time again where I share my thoughts and feelings with a wonderful group I belong too called, Walking with you, Grace for the Journey.

Please feel free to read on, and if you know someone/or if you are grieving the loss of a baby please tell them about this wonderful site.

This weeks post is ' A Time to weep' Walking in the Sea of Grief

Its so hard to delve into those raw emotions I felt instantly when I knew my son had gone to heaven. I huge aching hole was left in my soul, not just my heart. I cried all the time, and felt as if it would never ever end. For weeks and weeks I cried, sometimes in private, other times I would be at work just trying to do my job and the tears would come. I remember walking away from my desk MANY times because I started crying. MY soul ached for my son.

Even though I know it wasn't my fault I went through those stages of, maybe if I wouldn't have done this, or that my pregnancy would have lasted JUST a few weeks longer and he would still be here today. The grief was so horrific and mind numbing. Even though I slept, I dreamed of him. Dreams of him being in my arms and me playing with him and singing to him. All I wanted to do was sleep. I remember the day I had to return to work, I just sucked it up and put on a brave face and went. My friends all asked how I was and I muttered I'm fine, but really... I wasn't. I was grieving every moment of the day. I remember thinking I would never be able to laugh again. When Christmas came (Keane was born in November) I didn't want to celebrate(which is not like me). I tried comforting myself by buying ornaments in memory of him, but anytime I saw them I cried. I put on a brave face for my family and friends, because I felt bad that I had somehow caused this grief in everyones life. I felt as if I had failed in my relationship with the Lord too, somehow I wasn't strong enough to just pull through this and cling to him. I won't lie at first I was extremely angry at Him. I had seen Him heal people time and time again, but why not for me? Why not my son?

I wagged a bitter war with myself on this issue for a year. But thankfully, my God is a God of Grace and understanding. He knew what I was feeling, because He felt it too. Soon, I became a strong swimmer in the sea of grief. I learned how to manuever through the waves of grief on bad days, and how to float in the sea on good days. People often have asked me how did I move on? I didn't really 'move' on. I learned how to live WITH my grief, its a struggle, but you get there. To this day, my grief for my son Keane is still there in my core. I have days where it hits me out of the blue, and I accept that now. I will grieve for him, till the day I see him again and I cling to that, because thats how I have learned to be a strong swimmer in the sea of grief. Its keeps me going :). You learn little by little, day by day, how to adjust to the "new normal". I'm still adjusting 7 years later, but I am thankful for the Journey He has brought me on.

Blessings,