Happy Birthday in Heaven

Today would have been my oldest son Keanes 9th birthday, seems almost impossible to beleive that its been 9 years since he was born. Such a miracle to experience his short lived life, I can hardly believe I can now live day to day with out falling into pieces like I did for the first few years. Don't get me wrong, there are still moments of everyday that I think of him, and days where it just hits me hard that he is not here with me.... I can truly say that with time God has helped me learn to live with the constant grief I feel, living without my first born son here on earth.

November 9th, 2002 my first born son Keane Michael was born into this world at 19 1/2 weeks gestation,  to small for this world to live here (to read the whole story about his life see my blog post from last year http://myboysmygreatestgiftsinlife.blogspot.com/2009/11/he-would-have-been-7-today.html). His short lived life has changed my life dramatically, and I have learned the lesson of what is important in this world. He was born at 6:12 in the evening weighing 8oz and very much alive :) ! They had told me over and over again for three days ( I went into the ER on November 6th) that he would not be born alive, that the meds they gave me were potent and that he could not survive it...But he did :) The Lord blessed us with the 6 hours he was here on earth.

Today, is a bitter sweet day for me, I'm grateful for the hours I had with my son, but sad that he was taken from us so quickly. I still long to know what his voice sounds like, I still wonder if he still would look exactly like his older brother, I still wonder what his favorite character would have been, would have been been a Thomas crazy boy like Gabriel? Or would he have loved dinasours like Matthias? Would he have been a great singer/sports player?

So many unanswered questions when you have to bury your child after birth. Even as I type this it still makes no sense to me as to why my son was taken to heaven so early. But the only hope I have is knowing that one day I will see him again, and all those questions will be answered for me.

I miss you terribly Keane Michael, you are loved and missed everyday by your family. Your short life has touched so many, and I will forever be grateful for the gift that the Lord gave me with you!

We miss you
HAPPY BIRTHDAY WITH THE ANGELS MY LOVE!

LOVE MOMMY

2006.....Friday, October 13th ........

The day my sons life and ours, would be forever changed. Back in 2006 I had heard of the word autism, but the only thing I knew about it was that children who had it, would flap their hands and stare off into space, doesn't like to be touched,  and rock back and forth. I kept watching Matthias and thinking, he doesn't do ANY of that, and he doesn't push us away, in fact he loves being hugged?? So it can't be autism right???

Well when I was trying to figure out what exactly was wrong with Handsome I read many things that it could be, a hearing problem, different speech disorders,developmental disorders and of course autism. Well in the beginning of this year long process to get a diagnosis I really felt it was just a speech disorder, but I think deep down in my heart I knew....

But the longer it took, the more I kept reading about autism and seeing different symptoms he had. Some things he did I had no idea were signs of autism, playing with toys in appropropriatly, i.e. picking them up letting them fall and watching it while it fell, screaming for no reason at all, waking in the middle of the night and not going back to sleep.... I could go on....

But on this particular day, I remember just like it was yesterday. We loaded him up into the car, drove to down town Phoenix and waited to be seen by a Psychologist. In the waiting room he pointed out different letters he recognized ( pointing was the only thing he could do, he did not speak)_and again I remember thinking see he must be ok.....

We waited for what seemed like hours. It was the same routine I had been through SO many times already,  'Fill out this paper work, stating all his history from birth to current, along with all of my history, his dads history, and all the information about my pregnancies and so on and so forth. After filling out the 15 page booklet :) we went back.

She was a very nice lady and while we were in their she asked us lots of questions while she watched our son play. She pointed out things to me, that I never noticed before, like... " You see how he plays with those blocks, he doesn't play with them the way a child should, he picks them up looks at them and then throws them" Does he have an aversion to certain food textures?.....

After many questions and lots of pointing out of what our son is doing. She sat back and asked me, "How long have you thought something may be wrong?" and I told her " Since he was about 15 months old"

And then she said it, " Unfortunately, I see a lot of this lately...." pause... what seemed like the longest pause of my life...... " Have you ever heard of autism?"

My heart sank " Yes.." and then she said it " Your son has autism.... I would put him in the category of Severe to Moderate, seeing as he is so young he may be able to make some progress" " Unfortunately , there is no cure, with time and therapy he might be able to make some progress and talk, but I can't say for sure what kind of progress he will make. I can tell you that the more intervention you get for him the better it may get." You should learn to accept that he may only progress this far and that's it and just accept him as he is......

Through the fog of crying I heard what she was saying, but was so overcome with fear, grief and disappointment for my son. We sat and listened to her, and took all the paperwork she had for us and she walked us down the hall. I politely excused myself to the restroom, where I completely fell into tears. All I could think of was " How can this be?" Why my son? Haven't we struggled enough already? Why does Handsome have to struggle?  What will we do?

I tried desperatley to hold it together for my son, I didn't want to upset him. I was so glad Glenn was there cause Handsome really needed his daddy right then.... AS I was about to walk through the door, I heard the Doctor tell his Dad, this is going to be a rough road, some children progress a little further, but most don't.... you will walk through a lot of feelings, and its okay that she is upset, let her work through it, I"m sorry this has happened, and she left.

I dried my eyes and walked out and held it together, We really didn't say much on the ride home as we both were in shock of it all. Glenn tried his best to reassure me it would be okay, I was just filled with so much grief I could barely speak.....He told me if I needed him he would stay, but I knew he needed to go to work. I felt so bad because I knew he was going through the same feelings I was, but I just couldn't think or speak, I was numb...

I dropped him off, drove down the street parked the car in a grocery store parking lot and called my sister. I remember when she answered the phone I could barely speak, she heard me crying and said " Are you okay? What did they say? Do you need me to come and get you?"

I finally was able to form the words. " Matthias has autism" She told me to come to her store and she would meet me outside, she did and she comforted me and told me it would be okay. I remember finally getting home that night, and putting him to bed and watching him and thinking, whats going to happen to him? How will this ever be ok? I cried for what seems like weeks, but really only allowed myself a few days, and then I dug my feet in and read everything I could!

Even though today its been 5 years since his diagnosis, it still feels like we are new to this whole autism world... it has forever changed our lives, I still grieve for my son and for the life that was stolen from him. I pray for complete recovery for him ever day, but also, the realistic side of me says, this may be as far as he me come... but even if it is, I will STILL fight for his recovery till the day I die. I would move the earth for my boys, and I'm praying one day, the Lord will do so for my sons recovery.

To this day, autism is still an awful word to me, it is NOT who my son is, and I will NEVER accept it. My son was born a normal healthy boy, and because I chose to vaccinate him, he has autism.... his body could not handle the toxic overload and get rid of it, and its still difficult for me to swallow the fact that I willingly handed him over to them. But, because of him, his little brother was saved from it. Because with out a doubt! I know the same thing would have happened to him.

This type of an anniversary is not a good one, the only good thing to come out of a diagnosis like autism, is the fact that you learn to cherish the little things in life, alot more then you ever did before! I'm still praying for my sons recovery and he has made AMAZING progress!!! I'm so proud of you Matthias! and I know you will accomplish great things this year!

All my love!
Mommy

Today........

I read an article written by a sweet and awesome autism Mom Lisa Goes..... I cried as I read it cause that is me, and was me and I literally did and said many of the same thing she did. The one thing she said that brought me to tears, was this......

"I am so, so sorry, my precious boy. You needed me to protect you. I just believed what I was told. No questions asked. I did not read the MSD sheets they handed me. I...did...not...read...them. I gave them your life when I signed those papers. I went back, over and over again, watching you get sicker and sicker. Sweet, sweet Noah, please forgive me. You matter. Your life matters and I love you more than anything"

Many many nights I said this same thing, to my son Matthias... this article is so powerful, please read it and share, and educate yourself! Don't let autism happen to your son or daughter, I wish I would have known what I do now, because if so, life for Matthias would have been different today. Its so hard even to this day to not blame myself for not knowing, it hurts to know that the one thing I didn't check on because I was told it was safe and what was needed, disabled my son and took his ability to live a normal life away. So because of that I will educate others to my last breath so that they know the truth of what can happen!


Please stop by and read Lisa Goes article and read what life is like ...... http://www.ageofautism.com/2011/08/a-day-in-the-life-of-an-autism-mom-1.html
Much Love,