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    Sunday, November 8, 2009

    He would have been 7 today.......

    Summer of 2002 I found out I was pregnant with my first child very early on at about 3 months. I was met with many obsticles because I was a single woman and the 'shame' I felt because of it. But I never let my status affect my decision in keeping my child. I continued to work and anticipated what life would be like with a child. Then at 9 weeks I woke up to go to work and was bleeding excessively. I woke my mother and called my sisters and we went to the doctors office. I called my boyfriend on the way and he met us there. I was so scared and unsure of what was going on, and thought that I had lost my baby. I went back to the room by myself and they checked me, and when I looked at the ultrasound, I saw the heartbeat... the baby was still alive and my cervix was still completely closed :)... I was put on stricked bedrest and told to call if I had anymore bleeding.

    From then on I went to see my doctor twice a week where they checked me regularly to make sure the baby and I were okay. All during this time, I was still bleeding on and off every week. It was such a scary thing to go through, one time I bleed so badly and had past (sorry to be so blunt) a huge clot I thought for sure it was the baby. So much that my doctor told me to bring it in with me to the ER (it was nighttime) I went to the ER gave them the remains and they took me back to get an ultrasound.. once again, my beautiful baby was still there :) heartbeating and legs kicking :)... I went back to the room and they discharged me stating that I probably was loosing the baby and nothing could be done. I went home only to discover they threw my specimin away and never checked it to see what exacty it was. To this day my doctor agrees with me and thinks I was carrying twins.

    I was on bedrest for three months, with one time where I thought I was okay and they released me to go back to work. Only to be put on bedrest that same day of returning becasue I started to bleed again at work. On November 5th 2002 I went in to get an extensive ultrasound because my test results had come back saying they baby may have spina bifida. My boyfriend and I went in and were told there wasn't enough fluid around the baby. The tech had the doctor come in and he told us that the baby would not survive and that I should go and see my doctor. I went to the rest room and started to bleed heavily again. I told my doctor and he continued to tell us that I would be unlikely that I wouldn't start to bleed again tonight. If that did happen I would have to go to the hospital tonight. In fact that is what happened, as much as I prayed and pleaded and cried with God that whole day, it still happened anyway.

    I called my boyfriend and told him we were on our way up there, and my sister D took me. They got me situated and settled into a bed in OB Triage. Once I was there I called my doctor and told her I was there. She was so wonderful to me(its always good to have a friend as a doctor) she had just gotten home but she turned around and came back in to be with me. The got the ultrasound and checked on me and my baby and discovered that my uterus was slowly pulling away.

    Silence.............and then I heard the words I will never forget.... Your going to have to deliver your baby or you will die...................WHAT?!?! I can't have my baby, they won't make it, there to small at 19 weeks..... Can't we just wait a few more weeks? If we could wait a few more weeks they will have a better chance of surviving.....Why do I have to have them now? I don't even know if I'm having a boy or a girl yet?

    All of it was so heart wrenching and numbing, I couldn't believe this was happening to me. Why me? I made the right choice, I didn't try to get rid of my baby but now your taking them from me? WHY?

    I  waited until Glenn got there and asked him to help me make this decision I can't do it by myself. This is your baby too... He told me what I needed to hear after talki wbgith my doctor, and he was right. As much as I knew I didn't want to, I had to or I would die. Its such an awful decision to make, your life? Or your childs, or worse yet both of us?

    I okayed it and they started me on some pretty harsh meds, which started the WORST contractions I have ever felt. They never stopped, it was just one constant contraction. They gave me an epidural and I was okay as far as pain wise then. This went on for three days and during those three days, I cried and pleaded to have them do an ultrasound again. But was told over and over, he would not survive the process and they don't want to upset me anymore than I was already.  My wonderful friends and family were with me  and my boyfriend the whole time, supporting us and crying with me.

    I gave birth to a boy, my first born son Keane Michael on 11-9-2002 at 6:12pm, five days before my 26th birthday. He was the only child I was ever able to give birth to vaginally, he was so small, so precious and so alive! He was born alive, and lived a precious 6 1/2 hours.We were able to hold him and kiss him, and tell him how much he was loved. We baptised him and took pictures with him. Our family and friends came in one by one and held him and loved him.....At the time we didnt know about the wonderful places like Now I lay Me Down To Sleep. But the staff at the hospital was so great! They took digital pictures of him and took polariods of us holding him. I cherrish the pictures, and to this day I cry over them. I grieve for what would have been, but know, with out a doubt Keane is being loved even more than I could love him in Heaven with our Savior.

    Although it was 7years ago today that my preicous little boy was born, I still feel the pain and cry for my son everyday. I grieve for what could have been, I so badly wanted him here with me.... and on this day of his 7th birthday day.... I will cry for my son, but I will also be thankful for the hours we had with him here on earth, and I"m thankful that I know I will see him again someday.

    On his tombstone it reads:
    "Some people only dream of Angels, We held one in our arms" How true that statement is to me...

    I love you Keane! Happy Birthday Son!

    Much love,


    Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

    Praying for you...and remembering Keane with you today...

    Happy Heavenly Birtday, Keane!

    Bon said...

    I am so sorry you lost your precious boy! I am so grateful for the hope of heaven and know that Jesus always takes babies there. You will be reunited one day because you are a believer! \o/ Hugs for you, dear one.

    Trennia said...

    May the Lord give you comfort.I know He is the only one that can.

    Matthias through autism 2006 till today

    With this video

    Press play first, then press pause, and let it load for a few moments, otherwise the video will stop to load it alot when your watching it.

    This song speaks so much to me,to know the trials I have gone through are not .. Unredeemed by Selah

    Matthias Road to Recovery - This is what Faith can do! .