In reference to life....Worries and wants

Its interesting how I view my life, there is my life before autism(that is Handsome before autism)... and my life after autism. Or one could refer it as life pre-autism, life post autism.

 To be honest my life before autism was less hectic and worry some. Yes I worried about my child, but not like the kind of worrying I do now. Life pre-autism, I worried that I would not parent him right, or that I wouldn't be able to spend as much time with him as much and it would affect him. I worried about him living in this world as it is, a world full of good yes, but also of so much hate and awful things taking place. Life POST autism, well the worrying takes on a whole different kind. I worry about Matthias not being able to communicate appropriately, I worry about what he eats, if he eats enough or not enough. I worry about him eating gluten as it will affect his behaviors, I worry about him getting hospitalized again because he literally can not have a bowel movement...  I worry about his education and IF he will be able to sit still long enough to learn. I worry about him being bullied at school by typical children or worse yet the adults. I worry about how he is being treated by his teachers and aides while I am not around. I worry about whether or not I can trust his bus driver to NOT drop him off by himself if no one comes out the door to get him (as he DID last week). I worry about him wandering off, or worse yet wondering off and going off with a stranger ( he has NO fear of strangers or any kind of danger). I worry about how he will be treated by this cold world and how lately they try to blame everything on children,teens or adults with autism. I have a real fear of my child growing up and being a teenager and him wandering off and some how being around police who do NOT understand autism and they command him to do something and won't because he doesn't understand a command and them shooting him or beating him up because he doesn't obey them. I could go on, the list is long....

On most days, I try not to listen to the worrying chatter in my head. But on bad days ( or early hours of the morning in this case) I worry..... I worry because I lay awake at night because even though I have given my son his doses of Melatonin, he STILL wakes up, and even though I give it to him again and doesn't go back to sleep. Why? his stomach is bloated again because he hasn't had a bowel movement and he literally sits on the toilet for 2 hours trying to go. In between me writing this I keep going in and checking on him seeing if he's okay, checking to see if he has made any progress. But sadly he hasn't. Its now 3am and I have been up all night. Just as I was going to lay down for the night he woke up. Its hard to not be frustrated at 3am, even though I know its not his fault. But I am, mostly I am frustrated because we have to live in this world with autism. Autism that steals my sons existence and makes his life so hard, and in turn makes life hard for all of us. I cry for him and the trials he faces daily and all I can think.... is all I want for him is to be a boy and to not have to struggle anymore. I want him to WANT to play with his brother, I want him to be able to learn how to play simple board games and interact with me, his Dad and Sister and Brother. To REALLY interact, talk and communicate. I want our lives to be PRE-autism......................... PRE-autism... (before the vaccines kicked his body to the curb)

But, as I sit here now at 12 noon with NO sleep, I know the truth... worrying and wanting will get us nowhere fast. In stead I push the worrying and wanting aside and push on for Matthias. I want to believe there is beauty in this world for Matthias and for him to experience it, so I push on to get the truth known about WHAT caused my sons autism and so many others. Push on to get him what he deserves from this country and I push on to working on those literal wants for Matthias that CAN be worked on and hopefully take place one day.

To all my fellow Moms and Dads who live in this POST autism world, may I say how much I love and admire you all! Your stories I see on FB daily give me hope and courage to move on even on the bad days (nights). I hope I can be there for you all some days, please feel free to reach out I'm not far away! I listened to this song over and over again this morning, it helped me I hope it helps you!

Much Love,

Lisa