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    Saturday, April 25, 2009

    Under The Tree

    This post is about my first born son Keane. He was born much to early at 19 weeks. I had complication in my pregnancy from the very early at 9 weeks and was on bed rest until I was hospitalized on November 6th, 2002. Three days later he was born. He was perfect in every way, 10 little fingers and toes, beautiful little lips and hands. Perfect just to small. He was born alive and lived for 6 1/2 hours! He was a little fighter and proved the doctors wrong. See they all said he wouldn't survive and would die before I gave birth because the drugs they had to give me were so potent, but they don't know our God. What a blessing from God for us to be able to meet our son and spend time with him before he went to be with the Lord. But oh how I miss him so much every day.

    Recently I joined a group of moms' who are just like me, they are mommys who's children have died. I find great comfort and encouragement belonging to this group and I think it is great. I wish I would have found something like this right after I lost my precious baby Keane. I had briefly posted about him on my first blog and said I would right more later. In this group every week they give questions and we answer them. So each week you may see some posts that are titled Under The Tree, these will be my posts about Keane and this way you, my readers :) will also get to learn a little more about Keane. Although it can still be difficult sometimes, the one thing I never want to happen is for him to be forgotten. So little by little his story will be told. Here is one of the pictures I have of him, so small but so perfect!

    How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?

    It has been 7 1/2 years!! ( almost 8 ) since I lost my son Keane, he was born alive at 19 weeks. It really feels like it was just yesterday, the pain is always there.

    My grief has changed considerably since the first 3 years, I still grieve for him, every day. I have just come to a place where I have taught myself how to live with the pain I constantly feel. Some days the grief will just hit me like a ton of bricks out of no where its kind of strange how that happens.

    I wouldn't say my life is easier with out him at all. I don't think it ever will be easy here on earth with out him. The only way to describe it is that I have learned to live with the pain. It doesn't ever go away, you just learn how to cope with the intense feelings.

    How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?

    The first few months after I had him it was very difficult, I couldn't seem to grasp they whole thought of "Why my child and not theirs?" Why did mine have to go home to heaven so soon?" And then I got pregnant with my second son Matthias 6 months later, I was completely paranoid the whole pregnancy! I was convinced it was going to happen again, but it didn't :) Now days it doesn't bother me at all anymore

    Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?

    Right after we buried him, I went into counseling. I was a mess every night I cried myself to sleep, but barely held it together during the day. Counseling helped alot, but my way of therapy daily was just talking about him. How precious he was, he wanted he was, he much love we all had for him. Talking about him and proving he existed helped heal the wounds some. To this day I still talk about him. When people ask me how many children I have, I tell them 3 boys. Even though he was only here for a short time, He will always and forever be a part of me.


    Saturday with the boys :)

    I'm sitting here in my kitchen typing this post while I watch my two handsome little boys play together :), and I can't explain to you how much joy it brings to me.

    Three years ago I never thought I would ever see Matthias be able to engage and connect with anyone. Three years ago, he never spoke, played by himself, cried for no reason all the time, had terrible fits when I tried to wash his hair or brush his teeth, threw his toys all day long, cried and shook his hands when we had get togethers of anykind. Had terrible anxiety when he was left with someone he didn't know, the list could go on.

    Now three years later, he can speak in 2-5 word simple sentence, can memories any song or movie he see's, loves going places and doesn't get as anxious about it anymore, does extremely well at get togethers now and loves to brush his teeth now :) My how things have changed. To be able to see him interact with his brother and ask me for something he wants makes me so grateful to God for what he has done in my sons life!

    So with that said, a cup of coffee finished and finally ready to start my day, I am going to go and play with my boys now!

    Much Love

    Friday, April 24, 2009

    I have to share

    My 14 month old son Gabriel (NT-Neuro Typical) is doing the cutest thing lately. Everyday I get home from work I will sit with him for awhile and talk and play or even at dinner time, he will break out in baby song :). Its the most adorable thing I have ever seen!!! But here is the cool thing.... he actually his humming along in baby talk in TUNE!!! To a song that I know. He does it with a few different songs now. First it started out with a worship song, by my wonderful friend Bobby. At first I thought I was just imagining it, but then he did it ever night when I played his CD during dinner. Then it progressed into his brothers favorite song from Poohs Great Adventure" The first three words are " Sing ho, for the life of the bear" And Gabriel will actually say "Seee ho, then just hummes! It is so CUTE!! I tried getting it on Video but each time I put the camera up he stopped because he thought he was suppose to smile for the camera :) ONE day I will get it so you all can see!

    So that's just a little braggin on Gabriel today :) It brings me great joy to be able to see him meet each of his developmental milestones!!! I'm so proud of him!

    Now on to my little Handsome Man! He is doing good! From my last post you can see that I was able to get his Methyl B12 shot in last night!! YIPPEE!!! Thank you God! An amazing thing happened last night, Matthias (and Gabriel) slept all night long! GASP!!!!!!!!!!! I thought I was dreaming when I woke up when the alarm went off and I thought, Hey, I slept all night ( from 12am- 6:30). That is the most sleep I have gotten in almost 4 years!!!! And of course it is a wonderful thing for Matthias! His poor little system needs the rest. He was in a rather good mood this morning when I put him on the bus! So here's hoping for a better day today!

    Well I must go, I just clocked out 30 minutes ago and need to leave here and go to the Sunflower Market to get Buckwheat Flour and Matthias' Milk.

    Much love


    We 'shot' we SCORE!!!

    I did it! I got the Methyl B12 shot in tonight :) I"m so glad he didn't move,he barely even flinched let alone wake up like he has the past two night!!!!

    Have a good night everyone! I definitely will!!

    Much Love

    Thursday, April 23, 2009

    Ignoring the behavior.....

    So this is something we learn to do with our kiddos in therapy. I was lucky enough to attend a wonderful program at SARRC here in Phoenix called Jump Start. I learned all kinds of great information including to learn to ignore the behavior (not the actual child). So since learning this "technique" I have had to use it on several behavior issues I have with Matthias. The one we are working on right now is the HIGH pitched screaming for no reason.

    Lets start from the beginning, Matthias has screamed like this since he was very little. When I say say scream I don't mean like crying, I mean high pitched ear piercing SCREAM!!! The older he has gotten the worse it has become. In jump start that taught me that sometimes a child has what is called a LEARNED behavior. For example, If a child screams for no reason, and each time he does it you respond to the behavior by talking to him or sitting them time out he may just be getting what he wants.... attention. He doesn't know its the wrong kind of attention.

    So, this is what I have been doing, the other night is a great example.

    We are sitting down at the table after dinner and Matthias is sitting in the living room watching his movie and he starts to scream (pretty typical for him) we ignore the behavior and don't say anything. He continues to scream over and over and over and over again (6-7 times) and then walkes himself into the kitchen (I make no eye contact with him) and he says "Mommy, I screamed for the movie, I screamed for the movie" and I say nothing. He walks away, and goes back to the living room and watches his movie. No more screaming for the rest of the movie :), they do warn you that it will get worse before it gets better, but it will be worth it.

    At first, this was a very hard thing for me to do. When I first started doing it, I kinda felt like I was ignoring him. From the beginning of his diagnosis and first therapy session you learn to acknowledge EVERYTHING they do and reward them for it. But know at this stage in the journey I am having to change things up a bit. But the good thing is, that its working. Little by little, and over time before I know it, it will be gone :)

    One more note, I am having a terrible time trying to give Matthias his Methyl B12 shots :(. Each time I try he wakes up. We tried doing it awake and he did great the first 2 times and then I got a dull needle :( ever since then he wouldn't let me near his bottom. So had to resort to night time after he fell asleep. Same thing first 3 times were great, then he started waking up and its almost impossible to get it done :(. Matthias is a big boy so its not as easy for me to just control him and do it. Please pray that this will become easier as the shots were working great for him!

    Much love


    Wednesday, April 22, 2009

    The poops ....

    There are many health problems that go along with autism and having trouble with your stools is one of them. Definitely not something they warn you about when your child is diagnosed.

    For the past few months Matthias has struggled big time with being constipated. Its awful for me to see him feel this way. Even though Matthias does talk he still has a hard time being able to communicate certain needs he has. If I ask him Matthias, whats wrong? He say " I don't know mommy, I don't know." and that is just heartbreaking for me.

    It has LONG been a struggle since he was young to try and figure out, what is wrong with him "health wise". I never know when he is sick, I always find out at the very last moment when he has a double ear infection, or worse yet a burst ear drum. Matthias has never gotten sick like a "typical"kid. He rarely ever runs a fever anymore, the last time he had a fever( and by fever I mean one over 100) was right after his surgery to remove his tonsils and adenoids, and before that he hadn't run a fever since he was a baby.

    Its so hard to try and figure out what is going on in my little man sometimes and to get him to go see the doctor to be treated ....WELL...........thats a whole other struggle. I'm waiting for the day that I can say to my son " Matthias, whats wrong?" and he replies " My throat hurts mommy, I can't swallow." It will happen one day, I know it. Its just right now when I know something is up, but just can't figure out for sure what it is, when it makes the waiting for that day so hard.

    So for today, no change in progress same as usual, just struggling with the poops :)

    Instead, I am leaving you a short video of my precious handsome talking to me at the park. In the video he will be talking about ground hog day, this is Matthias doing what he loves to do all day long, he is echoing lines from movies he watches. But that's okay, he's talking :)

    Oh yeah you may notice my background changes all the time, well I'm in the process of making my own right now so for now you may see different backgrounds for while :)

    Much love,

    Our children are getting BETTER!!!!!

    Below is a letter that was written by a lovely lady on my autism email group who is an occupational therapist and a DAN Mom :) I wanted to share what she wrote and gave out to her clients to educate them on autism during this month of autism awareness. Please take a few minutes and read it.

    Much Love,

    APRIL is Autism Awareness month. So, if I may, in honor of this, I would like to share a few things with you.
    First, let me say... THERE IS HOPE in treating, healing, and preventing Autism!
    Because of this, there are many parents who are pulling their child OUT of the window of Autism. There are thousands in the Autism community whose child is getting better, some improving so much, they are actually LOSING their diagnosis. They are fully RECOVERED and have absolutely NO signs of Autism. THIS IS NOTHING LESS THAN A MIRACLE.
    I know Autism specialists who have actually sat down with the American Academy of Pediatrics and have asked them, "why are you not sitting down with our doctors and our scientists who are treating and recovering our children with Autism?" To this day, they refuse to sit down with us! The fact is, the AAP is not even considering this is a fact that children ARE recovering from Autism. Not only is the AAP considering this is FACT, they are discouraging this kind of discussion.
    We are not saying "Don't Vaccinate". Let's go back to the 1989 Vaccination Schedule when shots were only ten and the MMR was on that list. I don't know what happened in 1990, there was no plague that was killing children that we needed to TRIPLE the amount of vaccines. Let's be smart.
    Autism is treatable and preventable.
    The vaccine schedule is too bloated right now - there are 36 shots on the schedule. This is twice as many in 30 countries in the western world. The USA gives twice as many shots than any of those countries. WHY is that?
    So, what is a parent to do? Space out the vaccines, delay them until after one year old, clean out the toxins that are in the vaccines. Parents need to be empowered and need to educate themselves in regard to vaccinations and their child's immune system. Did you know our gut makes up 80% of our immune system? We need to look at WHAT is going in the gut, into the bloodstream?
    Why would a doctor not want to know more about something that could save a life or could prevent a disease?
    * The AAP (American Academy of Pediatrics) is financed by the drug companies. Medical schools are financed by the drug companies. This is a HUGE business. Vaccines are the largest growing division of the pharmaceudical industry. There is a 13 BILLION dollar profit made from this buisness. They control medical schools. These doctors are not learning about PREVENTION, diet, supplementation, vitamins.
    Generally speaking, as a precautionary measure, certain medications are removed from the shelf because they are deemed unsafe. Why not vaccines?

    Looking at the schedule, the MMR shot is given after they get 23 other vaccines BEFORE their first MMR. For argument's sake, let's just say that the MMR does not cause Autism is like having a plane crash, suspecting mechanical failure, looking at ONE wing, saying that one wing is safe; therefore, the whole plane is safe. THAT is madness.

    Rates of Autism is MUCH lower in other countries - Sweden, Norway, Finland.... use their schedule. Their Autism rates are ONE tenth of our's in the USA. These countries only have ten vaccines on their schedule, with the MMR included.
    Why is Measles and Mumps on the rise in the USA? People are panicking about this one vaccine and not looking at the ENTIRE schedule. They do not know what their child's immune system can and cannot handle. The MMR is a necessary vaccine to be given to protect our child on the schedule containing just ten vaccines (from 1989). However, the MMR seems to be the "tipping point" in our child's "environmental bucket" that once they've had the 23 other vaccines, the MMR pushes their toxic load over the edge... into Autism. I know because that is when I lost Ben. After that shot, the life was gone from his eyes. His blood work proves he did not excrete the harmful ingredients in the vaccines: ether, aluminum, copper, and arsenic. Ben has damage to his mitochondria and has encephalitis (brain inflammation) .
    But you know what? BEN IS GETTING BETTER! Why? Because of the GF/CF diet, vitamins, minerals, supplements, Methyl B12 injections, antioxidants, hyperbaric oxygen therapy, Glutathione Ivs.... HEALING THE GUT... HEALING THE BRAIN. This is why he is getting better, why he can focus and participate with ABA, OT, and Speech. This is why he is able to learn with his AWESOME team of therapists and his family. He feels better. The fog is lifting from his brain and his gut is healing.

    What should doctors/pediatricia ns tell us?

    Tell us to give vitamins and minerals, cod liver oil to our children. Tell us to have our child's immune system tested to see if their central nervous systems are in fact healthy. Take a child who is not sleeping the whole night, he is constipated or has chronic diarrhea... WHY are they not LOOKING AT THE GUT? They don't. Instead, they are endorsing the rotavirus vaccine which is supposed to fight off diarrhea or bowel problems in children.

    Why don't they fix the problem? This is NOT the pediatricians fault. They are not being taught HOW to care for our children! They do care about our children but sadly they do not know what to do; therefore, most (not all) do not want our kids in their care.

    In the Journal of Pediatrics there is an article written called, "Autism, Medical Home - A Physician's Survey" which shows that doctors do not want to take care of children with Autism. Sadly, this survey shows that MOST pediatricians do not want children with Autism in their clinics because they do not know HOW to help them. On the first page of this journal is a full page advertisement for the Rotavirus. Two of 30 countries in the first world, took this vaccine besides us. The patent holder for this vaccine is ON THE COMMITTEE to choose the vaccine for children.

    Many say Autism is genetic. Of all the millions of dollars spent on genetic causes accounts for only less than ONE PERCENT. That means the other 99 %... if you are not born with it, then it is being triggered by something in the environment.

    Bottom Line: We know with conviction that Vaccines do cause brain injury. It is on the Health and Human Services website. We are looking for what has caused this EPIDEMIC (The incidence of Autism is more than cancer, diabetes, and Aids combined). We just need others to be educated and we need JUSTICE to be done.

    Autism is devastating for families. Day to day we see our children getting better and that is the most painful part of this journey. We know there is hope and a WAY for them to heal, improve, and for many children... RECOVER.

    I hope this has enlightened you for Autism Awareness month. These children are here for a reason. God put them here to teach us HOW to lead healthier lives. He put them here to teach us the simplicity of things, to be content, to be gentle, to not be greedy, to love, to honor, to respect, to be kind, to love unconditionally, to clean up our minds, our tummies, and our hearts. These children are closer to God than we are and we can learn so much from them - if we just listen

    Tuesday, April 21, 2009

    The little things in life..

    Wow its been a busy few days, Matthias is still making TONS of progress! This is week three of the new journey. The Methyl B12 shots have made a big difference with eye contact, and language. Matthias has been pretty consistent with his 2-3 word sentences very simple, lately he has 3-5 word sentences :) which is HUGE progress for my handsome! Just for an example, I can remember 2 years ago at this exact same time of year right before Mothers Day I was thinking it may be totally possible that my son will never talk. I was starting to try to come to terms with that and then a few days later right before Mothers day, he said something I had waited to hear form 3 years..... MOMMA! (The picture I've attached to this blog was from Mothers Day of that year :) ) That was the beginning of Matthias progress with speech. Now when I hear him talking in 3-5 word simple sentences I think of how blessed I am that he is able to talk and communicate some of his wants and needs to me.

    In the past week we have seen ups and downs in Matthias behaviors, would you continue to pray for him in this area? Its what he is struggling with the most lately and it really interfers with his learning at school and at home.

    We have been on a platue for awhile now where he didn't seem to progress at all and at times was regressing in some areas and we're starting to see progress again! Progress is always great to see, it helps boost your spirits to keep up the long haul. It's always wonderful to see your child beable to learn and understand what they are doing. But, either way it goes, I am just grateful that the Lord has given me the opportunity to be his Momma. Progress or no progress he's still my little Handsome, who has shown me how to be grateful for the little things in life.

    Much Love,

    Matthias through autism 2006 till today

    With this video

    Press play first, then press pause, and let it load for a few moments, otherwise the video will stop to load it alot when your watching it.

    This song speaks so much to me,to know the trials I have gone through are not .. Unredeemed by Selah

    Matthias Road to Recovery - This is what Faith can do! .