This post is for the group I blog with once a week called Walking with you Grace for the Journey. Please continue to read todays blog as it does talk about my first born son Keane and I never want him to be forgotten, for he was born alive and inpacted so many lives in his short life here. I hope and pray no one ever has to go through this in life. But if you have or no someone who will be please, tell them about this group or feel free to tell them to contact me as there are so many people out there to help support families who lose little ones way to soon in life.
A Precious Goodbye
I have to admit, this post is going to be a hard one for me. Having to relive the day I laid my son in the ground is so heart wrenching for me to this day. Even now I sit here with tears coming down my face as I think of it. Please bare with me as I may wander in my sentences because some of these days are not very clear to me at times.
The first time I heard the word funeral mentioned to me, was the next day I woke up in the hospital. The doctor had just left and had just got done telling me they were concerned at the amount of blood I had lost, and she would be consulting with another doctor before she returned to discuss whether or not I would need a blood transfusion. Awhile after that a nurse came in and gave me a packet of stuff from my previous room (my nurse midwife, was upset that they had left me on the maternity floor the night before to hear all the babies and moms so late that night she had me transfered to a regular floor). In that packet was alot of papers explaining how long I had before the funeral home would need to pick up my son from the morge. I just remember thinking this can not be real.... and feeling sick and light headed.
I know at some point from me leaving the hospital the next day, I had spoken with my parents and they had said they were taking care of finding a funeral home for us. They agreed they would meet with one and find out all the details for the funeral home and for the cemetary. Once they had done the foot work, they would give me and Glenn the information and would we meet with them going forward. I remember I couldnt even think of going home to sleep in the bed I had been in on bedrest for almost 4 months. So instead I went to my sisters house. I was so numb, I literally couldn't feel my arms when my loving family was hugging me. I cried nonstop. All I wanted to do was sleep forever, I begged God to change my circumstances every second even though I knew that wasn't possible. Glenn, Family, friends all came in my room and asked me to eat tried to cheer me up a bit. But nothing really helped. I was horrified with the thought of having to go to a funeral home to chose a casket for my son the next day.
I remember pulling up to the funeral home, and not wanting to go in. Glenn held my hand and we walked in together, trying to be strong. We told them what we were there for and they led us into a room with a long table. The gentleman introduced himself and told us how it worked, we chose a blue casket with white lining. We gave him a stuffed animal we wanted in the casket with him and a letter I wrote to him. He explained that because of Keanes' gestational age we would not be able to have an open casket, which we pretty much already new. But it made it all the more harder to hear :(. We left there and went to the cemetary to finish up the papers with them and schedule the graveside service. November 18th.... 4 days after my 29th birthday.
I took forever for that day to come.... I was dreading the though of celebrating my birthday, but my family and friends took me to a resturaunt and tried the best to make my day special. My beautiful and wonderful friend Brigit along with my sisters and Friends all took on the job of arranging the service for our beloved little boy. I couldn't do it and neither could Glenn. The thought of trying to get flowers ready and balloons and funeral programs just overwhelmed us. But they did a great job. All they needed from us were our wishes as to what would be said, played and done at the service.
The morning of the graveside service arrived. Glenn came to my sisters and picked me up. I remember I cried on and off all the way there. When he pulled into the parking lot at the cemetary I told him, " I can't do this" and reassured me and told me it would be ok. I got out of the car tried to start walking to the graveside but I couldn't do it. The hurse pulled up, with our son inside and I could barely breath... I told him I needed him to hold my hand. I remember just leaning on the car and telling him. To just let me wait until everyone was over there, then I would walk over with him. He agreed, I waited, and once everyone was there, we walked. I remember thinking how small and delicate our babies casket was. When we got to the side, they started the service. I can't remember it all, because I just cried and cried as I looked at my sons casket. My heart felt like it was dying, and I clearly remember thinking I can't put him in this cold ground and leave him here....even though Iknew physically he wasn't here.
The service was beautiful, a friend of ours recorded the service for us to have. My friends played the beautiful songs I asked them too, one that was written by a dear friend of mine called " I will rest in you" this song was playing in my room when Keane was born and the other " His eye is on the sparrow" . When they played that last song, each person there released a blue balloon into the sky for Keane. I physically couldn't get up to let a balloon go, I couldn't feel anything..At the end of the service when they lowered his casket each person was given a carnation to put on top of his casket. I waited and was the last one to put it in. I remember thinking when it was over, I can't move....I can't leave him here, I cried and cried and cried....until Glenn told me that we needed to go now. I got up and we left the cemetary I told him I couldn't watch them burry him further. We left and went to a park for awhile. Then eventually went back to my sisters. I didn't feel like visiting with my family and friends I just wanted to lay down and cry... It was one of the hardest days in mylife. I pray no one ever has to experience it.
Prayer request is for my boys, that they would continue to be happy healthy little boys :) pray for continued progress for Handsome .
Much love,
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