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    Saturday, June 20, 2009

    Something I never thought of till.....

    Brief update on Matthias : He is doing MUCH better now that his supplements are back in his system :)....

    Today.... I took littleman to his god mommas house so she could visit with him for awhile, and Momma could get some much needed cleaning done. On my way home, I realized something.... As much as Gabriel LOVES his big brother Handsome.... he is starting to mimic everything Handsome does.

    Typically this would be a good thing, but in our case its not so great ALL of the time. So... Mommy and Auntie Dawn have decided that Littleman will be coming to play with his cousin at least once a week if not more, and after I made that decision...I actually started to cry.... I know... I know.... but crying is part of how I work through things.

    Its so hard to realize that as much as Littleman loves his big brother.... its not good for him to be mimicking some of the things his big brother does. He DOES pick up on Handsomes talking which is GREAT, but he is also picking up on the screaming,throwing ect.

    I felt myself begin to be sad to think that I will have to separate(I don't mean all the time, I'm purely speaking about playtime during the week/weekends) little brother from big brother in order for Littleman to continue to progress 'typically' :-(. and although I know in my head its not a huge deal and neither of them are realizing this, its a HUGE deal to Mommy and today I am struggling with it.

    I'm having one of those moments, hours, nights where I am grieving for the typical life for my Handsome... I hate how that roller coaster of emotions just sneaks up on me sometimes :(..... I know one day my Handsome will be better, and I am praying he will be completely recovered, but for now I am just being a woman, Mother who is longing for her oldest to be able to connect, play, interact with his little brother just like any other big brother would do......

    I would be interested to know if any of my other autism Mommy's out there have gone through this same experience. Let me know if you have and what you have done.

    Much Love,

    Friday, June 19, 2009

    I just have to say...

    F I N A L L Y !!!!!!

    I am so glad that my Handsomes supplements came in the mail last night!

    Unfortunatly he had been off of them for 6 days :( which is NOT a good thing for my Handsome.... BUT we gave him his doses last night and today we are even seeing him starting to settle back down :) THANK YOU GOD!!!

    Momma got another headache yet againg :( so I am trying to take it easy tonight...So just dinner and bathtime for the boys and then Mommy is going to be.

    If you don't follow me on twitter or facebook you may not have heard the exciting news.... Matthias (and I) will be on the news next Friday here in AZ. They are going to do a story about Matthias being on Lend4Health and what an awesome organization it is!!! I'm so excited that more people are going to be able to hear about Lend4Health and how great it is!!! I do have to say, for those of you who don't know me IRL (in real life) you may not know how huge of a deal this is for me as I am stepping WAY OUT of my comfort zone doing this.... I'm not one for the lime light or attention, but a Mommas' gotta do what a Mommas' gotta do right :).

    Well, gotta get going, have Two Small Boys to feed!

    Much Love,

    Thursday, June 18, 2009

    Please Watch!!!!

    I just was sent this video on autism... I've posted it above this entry....PLEASE watch ..... Its so important..

    Much Love,

    Wednesday, June 17, 2009

    Nothing really...

    Interesting or note worthy of posting today.... so instead I will post some pics I edited a few days ago!
    Matthias at 10 Months :) Gabriel at 10 Months :)

    Daddy and Matthias in Missouri on out trip in 2006

    He looks so innocent doesn't he :)

    Handsome :)

    Much Love,

    Tuesday, June 16, 2009

    Good day for Matthias, not so much for Mom....

    I love <-------this picture :) helps me get a laugh today :)

    Matthias had a good day today, not as much anxiety and crying today.... please God let those supplements get here tomorrow!!!!! He has been with out them for almost 5 days and its been very bad for him....

    I feel awful because the only reason I couldn't get them was because I didn't have the money until this weekend (thanks to my un named friends). It kills me to know that my son needs something but yet I don't have the money to get it!!! Seems like these $$$$$ are always around me and at times it make this Momma very depressed :(.... I've gotten pretty good at hiding it from my kids though :) so that's good at least. I don't want them to pick up on stress from an early age.

    I'm struggling and here's why.... I am praying that my sons loan will be funded soon, but we're just not there yet..... I'm weighing my options of should I just take what I have gotten for him so far? Or do I continue to wait and keep praying that the Lord would provide for us in the mean time? The only problem with taking the loan now? Well if I do it now, I know for sure there are two lab tests I will NOT be able to do for him, they take up a good chunk of the loan, not to mention the DAN doctors visits we need.... what to do? I guess I will do what I always do and pray and seek the Lords guidance.

    Sorry to be such a downer today, but just being real about where I am at.

    Matthias did really well with his speech therapy today, and played pretend and read two books with her which is HUGE for him!!! I think it helped that mommy was there today :)

    Well its bath time .......

    Here is to a much better day tomorrow!

    Much Love,

    Monday, June 15, 2009

    Walking with You .. The first Steps

    I have been a follower of The Beauty of Sufficient Grace since I first started blogging, and recently she started a support group Walking with You... Grace for the Journey. My post today is about my journey of loss with Keane my first born son.

    I remember the day clearly, I was on bed rest and I went in for a ultrasound (at the high risk doctors office) to check on my baby as some test results had come back as a possibility that the baby my have spina bifida. My doctor sent me in to rule it out as she said there are more false positives than anything. Mind you I had been bleeding since 9 weeks and they could not figure out why, but my baby was always fine. I remember sitting on the table and feeling that I had started bleeding again, I asked to get up to use the rest room and sure enough I was bleeding even worse than normal. I cleaned myself up, went back in and layed down to do the ultrasound. I distinctly remember how quiet the tech was.... and I kept asking, is everything okay. She stopped and said I need to get the doctor to see if he can get a better look. The doctor comes in and tells me, there is not enough amniotic fluid around the baby and we can not get a good enough picture to see how the baby is doing. He directed me to go to my doctors office (upstairs) and speak with him.

    We left right away, and waited for my doctor to call me back. There he took me to a small room to talk with us and told us " The only thing you can do at this point, is go home take a bath and maybe it will help in building the fluid back up, if you start to bleed again, you will need to go directly to the Triage in L&D and be seen." He said he was so sorry and that I needed to get home right away and put my feet up. From then on, the ride home, Glenn talking to me is all a fog, I don't even remember what was said..... All I remember clearly is getting home, telling my parents what had happened and then standing and praying together for the Lord to perform a miracle.

    I went and layed down on the couch as I was so fearful of getting up because I knew somewhere in my heart that I would start to bleed again. That night after laying for hours and crying, I felt it, I started bleeding again. I told my mother and she called my sister and she drove me to the hospital. I called my boyfriend on the way there, and prayed to God that he would save my babies life....

    When we got back to the triage area, they hooked me up right away and did an ultrasound. Everything was fuzzy to me, I remember alot of talking, but I can't remember everything that was said. They told me that my placenta was slowly pulling away, and that is why I was started to bleed more heavily. I remember hearing them tell me again, their is not enough fluid around the baby and you will not survive this if you do not give birth soon. I felt like I was underwater listening to them talk about someone else.... HOW could this be happening to me??? My baby had always been fine, even though I was always bleeding and spotting.... WHY NOW??? WHY my baby?

    I cried so hard, and begged them to let me wait, I don't want to kill my baby and make him be born, he's to small he won't survive. My mid-wife who was my personal friend came in and hugged me and told me " Lisa, You know if there were any other way I would tell you" " I believe just as you do about life, but there is no other choice, if you don't deliver your baby soon, you will bleed to death".... I just couldn't fathom what they were saying to me! I want to wait, I do not want my child to be born to early. I want them to live! I didn't care about me....

    My boyfriend came and I asked him to help me make a decision, he agreed. Then that night at 11pm I took the medicine to induce my labor. It was the hardest choice I/we have ever had to make, but I know now, they were right. I would have died if I wouldn't have done it. I was bleeding so heavily I almost had to have a transfusion after this all happened.

    A few hours later the intense pains of labor started, they warned me as this specific med they give is more potent than normal induction meds. I told them I would wait for an epidural until the pains started, I clearly remember just how badly it was... this type of labor, the pains do not stop ever... I could barely catch my breath!

    They told me my child would not survive the drugs and birth. For three days, I labored and cried all the time. Family came to visit and try and lift my spirits, friends came and prayed for me, and assured me this was not my fault, I was not being punished....

    Then on the third day, my perfect little boy was born ALIVE @6:18pm weighing 8.4 ounces and 8 inches long . We got to share him with my family and friends and take some pictures. The hospital staff was wonderful to us, they did what they could. They took pictures, Polaroid and digital pictures and had a wonderful memory book, quilt, outfit, and keepsakes for us. We had him baptised and everyone got to hold him and love him. He lived for 6 hours, and even though 11/9/2002 was almost 7 years ago, it still seems as real as today.


    What helped me through was, my faith in God, even though I struggled grately at this point with it. But if I hadn't believe in a great God one who loves us, I would have been even worse off than I was. My family and friend were also a HUGE help to me, they loved me no matter what mood I was in.


    Prayer request is for my both of my boys now :)

    Matthias my oldest has autism, please pray for the Lord to work a miracle in his life!

    Gabriel is my youngest, his prayer is actually a praise! As we have seen him develope as a typical child would. Thank you Lord for his continued development :)


    I still grieve for my little boy and know one day I will see him again!

    Thank you Kelly for giving us a place to remember, grieve and support one another!

    Much Love,


    Sunday, June 14, 2009

    Welcome to Holland.....

    I remember when Handsome first got his autism diagnosis and I kept telling people it was so hard to explain how you feel, because you had all these hopes and dreams for your child and now they have been thrown to the side. You just don't know what will happen?

    Then one of my wonderful autism Mommies shared this poem with me... and it truly spoke to my heart... it is exactly how I felt and many, many other parents of children with special needs and I have meet several who have lost a child and they have found comfort in this also. I just thought I would share it today in hopes maybe someone who hasn't heard it will see it and be able to feel a little bit better about their journey in life, whatever it may be.

    Welcome To Holland
    byEmily Perl Kingsley

    I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

    When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

    After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

    "Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

    But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

    The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

    So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

    It’s just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

    But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

    And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

    But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

    * * *

    Much Love,

    Matthias through autism 2006 till today

    With this video

    Press play first, then press pause, and let it load for a few moments, otherwise the video will stop to load it alot when your watching it.

    This song speaks so much to me,to know the trials I have gone through are not .. Unredeemed by Selah

    Matthias Road to Recovery - This is what Faith can do! .