Today would have been my oldest son Keanes 9th birthday, seems almost impossible to beleive that its been 9 years since he was born. Such a miracle to experience his short lived life, I can hardly believe I can now live day to day with out falling into pieces like I did for the first few years. Don't get me wrong, there are still moments of everyday that I think of him, and days where it just hits me hard that he is not here with me.... I can truly say that with time God has helped me learn to live with the constant grief I feel, living without my first born son here on earth.
November 9th, 2002 my first born son Keane Michael was born into this world at 19 1/2 weeks gestation, to small for this world to live here (to read the whole story about his life see my blog post from last year http://myboysmygreatestgiftsinlife.blogspot.com/2009/11/he-would-have-been-7-today.html). His short lived life has changed my life dramatically, and I have learned the lesson of what is important in this world. He was born at 6:12 in the evening weighing 8oz and very much alive :) ! They had told me over and over again for three days ( I went into the ER on November 6th) that he would not be born alive, that the meds they gave me were potent and that he could not survive it...But he did :) The Lord blessed us with the 6 hours he was here on earth.
Today, is a bitter sweet day for me, I'm grateful for the hours I had with my son, but sad that he was taken from us so quickly. I still long to know what his voice sounds like, I still wonder if he still would look exactly like his older brother, I still wonder what his favorite character would have been, would have been been a Thomas crazy boy like Gabriel? Or would he have loved dinasours like Matthias? Would he have been a great singer/sports player?
So many unanswered questions when you have to bury your child after birth. Even as I type this it still makes no sense to me as to why my son was taken to heaven so early. But the only hope I have is knowing that one day I will see him again, and all those questions will be answered for me.
I miss you terribly Keane Michael, you are loved and missed everyday by your family. Your short life has touched so many, and I will forever be grateful for the gift that the Lord gave me with you!
We miss you
HAPPY BIRTHDAY WITH THE ANGELS MY LOVE!
The day my sons life and ours, would be forever changed. Back in 2006 I had heard of the word autism, but the only thing I knew about it was that children who had it, would flap their hands and stare off into space, doesn't like to be touched, and rock back and forth. I kept watching Matthias and thinking, he doesn't do ANY of that, and he doesn't push us away, in fact he loves being hugged?? So it can't be autism right???
Well when I was trying to figure out what exactly was wrong with Handsome I read many things that it could be, a hearing problem, different speech disorders,developmental disorders and of course autism. Well in the beginning of this year long process to get a diagnosis I really felt it was just a speech disorder, but I think deep down in my heart I knew....
But the longer it took, the more I kept reading about autism and seeing different symptoms he had. Some things he did I had no idea were signs of autism, playing with toys in appropropriatly, i.e. picking them up letting them fall and watching it while it fell, screaming for no reason at all, waking in the middle of the night and not going back to sleep.... I could go on....
But on this particular day, I remember just like it was yesterday. We loaded him up into the car, drove to down town Phoenix and waited to be seen by a Psychologist. In the waiting room he pointed out different letters he recognized ( pointing was the only thing he could do, he did not speak)_and again I remember thinking see he must be ok.....
We waited for what seemed like hours. It was the same routine I had been through SO many times already, 'Fill out this paper work, stating all his history from birth to current, along with all of my history, his dads history, and all the information about my pregnancies and so on and so forth. After filling out the 15 page booklet :) we went back.
She was a very nice lady and while we were in their she asked us lots of questions while she watched our son play. She pointed out things to me, that I never noticed before, like... " You see how he plays with those blocks, he doesn't play with them the way a child should, he picks them up looks at them and then throws them" Does he have an aversion to certain food textures?.....
After many questions and lots of pointing out of what our son is doing. She sat back and asked me, "How long have you thought something may be wrong?" and I told her " Since he was about 15 months old"
And then she said it, " Unfortunately, I see a lot of this lately...." pause... what seemed like the longest pause of my life...... " Have you ever heard of autism?"
My heart sank " Yes.." and then she said it " Your son has autism.... I would put him in the category of Severe to Moderate, seeing as he is so young he may be able to make some progress" " Unfortunately , there is no cure, with time and therapy he might be able to make some progress and talk, but I can't say for sure what kind of progress he will make. I can tell you that the more intervention you get for him the better it may get." You should learn to accept that he may only progress this far and that's it and just accept him as he is......
Through the fog of crying I heard what she was saying, but was so overcome with fear, grief and disappointment for my son. We sat and listened to her, and took all the paperwork she had for us and she walked us down the hall. I politely excused myself to the restroom, where I completely fell into tears. All I could think of was " How can this be?" Why my son? Haven't we struggled enough already? Why does Handsome have to struggle? What will we do?
I tried desperatley to hold it together for my son, I didn't want to upset him. I was so glad Glenn was there cause Handsome really needed his daddy right then.... AS I was about to walk through the door, I heard the Doctor tell his Dad, this is going to be a rough road, some children progress a little further, but most don't.... you will walk through a lot of feelings, and its okay that she is upset, let her work through it, I"m sorry this has happened, and she left.
I dried my eyes and walked out and held it together, We really didn't say much on the ride home as we both were in shock of it all. Glenn tried his best to reassure me it would be okay, I was just filled with so much grief I could barely speak.....He told me if I needed him he would stay, but I knew he needed to go to work. I felt so bad because I knew he was going through the same feelings I was, but I just couldn't think or speak, I was numb...
I dropped him off, drove down the street parked the car in a grocery store parking lot and called my sister. I remember when she answered the phone I could barely speak, she heard me crying and said " Are you okay? What did they say? Do you need me to come and get you?"
I finally was able to form the words. " Matthias has autism" She told me to come to her store and she would meet me outside, she did and she comforted me and told me it would be okay. I remember finally getting home that night, and putting him to bed and watching him and thinking, whats going to happen to him? How will this ever be ok? I cried for what seems like weeks, but really only allowed myself a few days, and then I dug my feet in and read everything I could!
Even though today its been 5 years since his diagnosis, it still feels like we are new to this whole autism world... it has forever changed our lives, I still grieve for my son and for the life that was stolen from him. I pray for complete recovery for him ever day, but also, the realistic side of me says, this may be as far as he me come... but even if it is, I will STILL fight for his recovery till the day I die. I would move the earth for my boys, and I'm praying one day, the Lord will do so for my sons recovery.
To this day, autism is still an awful word to me, it is NOT who my son is, and I will NEVER accept it. My son was born a normal healthy boy, and because I chose to vaccinate him, he has autism.... his body could not handle the toxic overload and get rid of it, and its still difficult for me to swallow the fact that I willingly handed him over to them. But, because of him, his little brother was saved from it. Because with out a doubt! I know the same thing would have happened to him.
This type of an anniversary is not a good one, the only good thing to come out of a diagnosis like autism, is the fact that you learn to cherish the little things in life, alot more then you ever did before! I'm still praying for my sons recovery and he has made AMAZING progress!!! I'm so proud of you Matthias! and I know you will accomplish great things this year!
I read an article written by a sweet and awesome autism Mom Lisa Goes..... I cried as I read it cause that is me, and was me and I literally did and said many of the same thing she did. The one thing she said that brought me to tears, was this......
"I am so, so sorry, my precious boy. You needed me to protect you. I just believed what I was told. No questions asked. I did not read the MSD sheets they handed me. I...did...not...read...them. I gave them your life when I signed those papers. I went back, over and over again, watching you get sicker and sicker. Sweet, sweet Noah, please forgive me. You matter. Your life matters and I love you more than anything"
Many many nights I said this same thing, to my son Matthias... this article is so powerful, please read it and share, and educate yourself! Don't let autism happen to your son or daughter, I wish I would have known what I do now, because if so, life for Matthias would have been different today. Its so hard even to this day to not blame myself for not knowing, it hurts to know that the one thing I didn't check on because I was told it was safe and what was needed, disabled my son and took his ability to live a normal life away. So because of that I will educate others to my last breath so that they know the truth of what can happen!
To stay positive as progress as gone way down for Matthias, we have hit another platue and not sure how to get past it??? Homeopathy has done some amazing things for Matthias, and I'm glad we took that route, but now as I can not afford another visit, I am wondering what to do next?
Either way, I'm doing what I can from home, filling his body full of great vitamins and good food and doing his therapies. Going to see if we can get another speech therapy session added so he can have two hours a week instead of 1, so keep that in prayer :)
Wow it has been a LONG time since I have posted... Matthias has been doing really well.... he is very very smart and talks up a storm and does great with Math in school :) The remedy has worked very well and he is advancing each and every day!
We still have lots of issues with focusing on things, and lots of stimming and of course the ever so common poop issue :) LOL.... BUT he is completely potty trained!!! :) So happy for him. I never thought it would happen but he did it :) Way to go Handsome!!
He is back in school for extended school year and we are all very happy about this too :) Being out of school is NEVER an easy thing for him.
We still have lots of things he has to over come but this little boy has done amazing things and has over come so much in his 7 years of life!
The progress Train keeps ROLLING ALONG :) I know its been awhile, but thought I would post a quick update on Handsomes progress! First I can't begin to tell you how floored I am at the progress he has made not only in the last two years, but in the last, almost 5 years since his diagnosis. He is such a hard worker, and has worked so hard to get where he is at! We are so proud of you Handsome!!!!
Since we started Homeopathy in October, he has gone from taking a HUGE amount of supplements a day, to just taking normal daily vitamins and flaxseed oil to help keep him regular. He is almost completely potty trained and I know it will be very soon that he will be completely potty trained! He talks in such huge sentences and just tonight, told me, OWE Mommy that hurt, when I accidentally stepped on his toe! Two years ago he NEVER NEVER NEVER would have said a word, he more than likely wouldn't have even cried if it hurt him, but now he responds to it!!!! He loves to tell me when his brother is doing something he shouldn't be. Like tonight, he says " Mommy, Littleman is playing with your shampoo!!, Littleman, Mommy said no playing with her shampoo!" Normally, tattle tailing would annoy most parents, but to us its music to our ears! To be able to hear him communicate anything is a true blessing!!!!
He is much more willing to try new food and just yesterday ate strawberries at school :) and happily came home and reported to me how much he liked them!
We have much less constipation going on as well, and that in itself is a HUGE blessing! Poor Handsome use to be constipated for weeks on end, and now we have experienced it about once a month.
At school academically he is doing great! He is learning his simple addition and can read up a storm! The other day I tried out some simple addition and wrote it out for him and he did it!!! I was so happy I was crying tears of JOY!
Homeopathy is doing wonders for my son! and I would recommend it to the world!
We love you Handsome and are so proud of the progress you are making!
FLOORED and HONORED! I just found out one of my pictures I entered in a contest on pixosphere won for Landscapes catagory :) !!! So exciting to be acknowledged! Stop by and check it out!!!
So, life has been crazy these past few weeks, I am getting ready to go on a trip to be in my friends wedding and also be the photographer :) I'm excited and nervous all at the same time! I digress.... this is the reason I have not posted in awhile.
So here is the progress that Handsome is making :)
Back on the 7th of January we had dosed Handsome with his remedy, and then discovered we were dosing him way to often. SO he went with out his remedy for 3 weeks until yesterday and guess what! Pierre was right, we were dosing way to much and that was why we were seeing some behavior issues ect. BUT the past 3 weeks Handsome has been doing amazing things!!! Here is just a brief glimpse of what my big guy has been doing :
Recently, Handsome has said to me “ Mom look what Littleman is doing!!!” and when I went into the bathroom where they were showering, he was right, he was being naughty :) He is pooping much more often on the potty. He is talking in sentences he has never used before, and just recently he had this convo with his little brother “ “ Leave me alone G” pause “ Mommy, he's touching me!!!!! Leave me alone G!” Then little brother says “ I'm sorry Handsome” and Handsome says “ That's okay G” SUCH music to my ears!!!!!
He has told me he was sorry for screaming and having a meltdown about something after being sent to his room?!?!?! All on HIS OWN!! NO PROMPTING!!
Currently goes into the typical classroom daily for socialization and has made a friend who he really loves! His vocabulary is growing leaps and bounds AND He is adding simple math and really likes it!!! Yay for you Handsome cause Momma has always despised math :)
He shows an interest in playing pretend all the time, whether its with his batman and robin characters or playing with his little brother with his trains. Has helped me set the table several times and asks me if he can help set the table. Is a GREAT helper! He loves to get things that I need, like wipes for his brother, or water for him and even get my purse for me!
Its so amazing the things that are happening with homeopathy! We are so blessed to have been told about homeopathy! I hope you all will give it try some day, you'll be pleasantly surprised for yourself and your children!
I was miserable yesterday and went to bed early, so i wasn't able to post my picture that I did take yesterday, so here is yesterdays photo and today :)
Day 12 - Thomas and his friends (yes, one is faceless thanks to Littleman )
Day 13 - This place holds a special place in my heart!
Progress is being made with Handsome...... boy has homeopathy been a completely different ride then biomedical :).... the other day after getting home from our trip up north to take their Grani to Am-Track I realized that he was so zoned out because tada..... He was constipated again :(... seriously this kid is full of it :) lol.... so when we returned home I did the usual and now after he was able to relieve himself he is more focused.
Today he wrote his name all by himself :) This is the first time i have ever seen him do this :) I was so happy for him!!!!
He also has slept straight through the night with out waking for three days straight :) I'm hoping this trend continues. We are dosing him with his remedy, but NOT often. Pierre wants us to hold back on dosing, some kids do better with frequent dosing and others do well with not so frequent, so I am going to hold of for sometime and see what happens :)
If you can believe it, both my boys birthdays are coming up in the beginning of February!!
I can hardly believe Handsome will be 7 and Littleman will be 3!!! Where has all the time gone??? I am so grateful for my sweet little boys and so blessed by both of their accomplishments.
Someone who is in the autism community is getting ready to let their son rest in peace with the Lord today and my heart just breaks for them. Please pray for this family today, It only reminds me how blessed I am by the progress Handsome has made and for the wonderful blessing of Littleman being a typical little 2 year old. Remember friends, hold your loved ones close and cherish the moments you have.
Here is today's 365 project, I couldn't help but use a picture I took from a few days ago... I just is so glowy and warm :) I did take one for today but I really prefer this one :)
So my beautiful friend Amy gave me this idea and I started it a few days ago, but have been so slammed with things to do this week I didn't get to post the last two pictures :).... Here are the first Three days of the 365 day project in pictures :)
Day 1- Happy New Year Sparklers :)
Day 2 - Yep we still have our tree up, it will come down this weekend :(
Day 3 - These little piggies are the two cutest feet in the world!
I'm looking forward to this New Year and having several goals for myself this year, one of them being this project :) I hope your all doing well today and I pray you have a blessed New year!
I am the proud momma of three beautiful boys--Keane born 11/09/2002 (born into Heaven 11/10/2002), Matthias my handsome 6 year old (diagnosed with autism in 2006), and Gabriel (Neuro-typical), my Littleman, as I call him who is 2 years old. I truly am blessed to be their mother.
God had brought me on a great journey since I have become a mother, and it has made me a better person today. We are on a New Journey in Our lives and hope that you all will stay awhile and become our friends.
I love meeting new people and being able to connect and encourage one another in life. I hope to hear from all of my blog readers, please feel free to comment or email me anytime.
Grab My Button!
Handsome and Littleman
Handsome
This really captures who my son is
Littleman
Growing up before my eyes
Names in the sand
Matthews Puzzle
Walking with You
Heavenly Angels in Need
Bring The Rain - Read about Audreys beautiful life
( I know its kind of hard to tell, but it is his name and it wrote it all by himself!!!! )
Posts
