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    Monday, June 15, 2009

    Walking with You .. The first Steps

    I have been a follower of The Beauty of Sufficient Grace since I first started blogging, and recently she started a support group Walking with You... Grace for the Journey. My post today is about my journey of loss with Keane my first born son.

    I remember the day clearly, I was on bed rest and I went in for a ultrasound (at the high risk doctors office) to check on my baby as some test results had come back as a possibility that the baby my have spina bifida. My doctor sent me in to rule it out as she said there are more false positives than anything. Mind you I had been bleeding since 9 weeks and they could not figure out why, but my baby was always fine. I remember sitting on the table and feeling that I had started bleeding again, I asked to get up to use the rest room and sure enough I was bleeding even worse than normal. I cleaned myself up, went back in and layed down to do the ultrasound. I distinctly remember how quiet the tech was.... and I kept asking, is everything okay. She stopped and said I need to get the doctor to see if he can get a better look. The doctor comes in and tells me, there is not enough amniotic fluid around the baby and we can not get a good enough picture to see how the baby is doing. He directed me to go to my doctors office (upstairs) and speak with him.

    We left right away, and waited for my doctor to call me back. There he took me to a small room to talk with us and told us " The only thing you can do at this point, is go home take a bath and maybe it will help in building the fluid back up, if you start to bleed again, you will need to go directly to the Triage in L&D and be seen." He said he was so sorry and that I needed to get home right away and put my feet up. From then on, the ride home, Glenn talking to me is all a fog, I don't even remember what was said..... All I remember clearly is getting home, telling my parents what had happened and then standing and praying together for the Lord to perform a miracle.

    I went and layed down on the couch as I was so fearful of getting up because I knew somewhere in my heart that I would start to bleed again. That night after laying for hours and crying, I felt it, I started bleeding again. I told my mother and she called my sister and she drove me to the hospital. I called my boyfriend on the way there, and prayed to God that he would save my babies life....

    When we got back to the triage area, they hooked me up right away and did an ultrasound. Everything was fuzzy to me, I remember alot of talking, but I can't remember everything that was said. They told me that my placenta was slowly pulling away, and that is why I was started to bleed more heavily. I remember hearing them tell me again, their is not enough fluid around the baby and you will not survive this if you do not give birth soon. I felt like I was underwater listening to them talk about someone else.... HOW could this be happening to me??? My baby had always been fine, even though I was always bleeding and spotting.... WHY NOW??? WHY my baby?

    I cried so hard, and begged them to let me wait, I don't want to kill my baby and make him be born, he's to small he won't survive. My mid-wife who was my personal friend came in and hugged me and told me " Lisa, You know if there were any other way I would tell you" " I believe just as you do about life, but there is no other choice, if you don't deliver your baby soon, you will bleed to death".... I just couldn't fathom what they were saying to me! I want to wait, I do not want my child to be born to early. I want them to live! I didn't care about me....

    My boyfriend came and I asked him to help me make a decision, he agreed. Then that night at 11pm I took the medicine to induce my labor. It was the hardest choice I/we have ever had to make, but I know now, they were right. I would have died if I wouldn't have done it. I was bleeding so heavily I almost had to have a transfusion after this all happened.

    A few hours later the intense pains of labor started, they warned me as this specific med they give is more potent than normal induction meds. I told them I would wait for an epidural until the pains started, I clearly remember just how badly it was... this type of labor, the pains do not stop ever... I could barely catch my breath!

    They told me my child would not survive the drugs and birth. For three days, I labored and cried all the time. Family came to visit and try and lift my spirits, friends came and prayed for me, and assured me this was not my fault, I was not being punished....

    Then on the third day, my perfect little boy was born ALIVE @6:18pm weighing 8.4 ounces and 8 inches long . We got to share him with my family and friends and take some pictures. The hospital staff was wonderful to us, they did what they could. They took pictures, Polaroid and digital pictures and had a wonderful memory book, quilt, outfit, and keepsakes for us. We had him baptised and everyone got to hold him and love him. He lived for 6 hours, and even though 11/9/2002 was almost 7 years ago, it still seems as real as today.

    *********

    What helped me through was, my faith in God, even though I struggled grately at this point with it. But if I hadn't believe in a great God one who loves us, I would have been even worse off than I was. My family and friend were also a HUGE help to me, they loved me no matter what mood I was in.

    **********************

    Prayer request is for my both of my boys now :)

    Matthias my oldest has autism, please pray for the Lord to work a miracle in his life!

    Gabriel is my youngest, his prayer is actually a praise! As we have seen him develope as a typical child would. Thank you Lord for his continued development :)

    **********

    I still grieve for my little boy and know one day I will see him again!

    Thank you Kelly for giving us a place to remember, grieve and support one another!

    Much Love,

    Lisa

    8 comments:

    Holly said...

    What a moving story of your firstborn. I wish so much you could've kept him. :'(

    Christina said...

    Thank you for sharing such a touching story about Keane.

    I know what it's like raising two boys -- one with autism and one who is neurotypical. My boys are three and five.

    It's nice to meet you.

    Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

    I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby, Lisa. And, I know that you have a full plate, daily! I will definitely pray for both Matthias and Gabriel. And for their sweet mama. Thanks so much for joining us!

    Love to you,
    Kelly

    April said...

    Thank you for sharing your story for Walking with You. I can only imagine how heartbreaking your loss was, the difficult decisions that were placed in front of you, and trying to forward with your life with your son's memory.

    Joye @ The Joyeful Journey said...

    Lisa,
    My heart just breaks reading this! You got to hold little Keane in your arms and spend six precious hours with him!!!! Amazing. I know it must have been hard to write this, but I also know that God is still healing you--still loving you through the painful memories. I pray that you feel His love for you ANEW today and that He strengthens you for your role as mother to your two blessings! May they be filled with the love of God as well!

    Shannon said...

    It's so very hard, isn't it? Hard just isn't the right word, it doesn't cover everything this is.

    If my Chaya had not left us when she did, we BOTH would have died. So I know the pain of that kind of realization, that your own life was at risk as well.

    Someday you will see him, and his brothers will meet him and it will be THE happiest day.

    *hugs*

    Leslie said...

    God has put a lot on your plate. First with Keane and now with Matthias. I am so glad that you know how to lean on Him!

    I am a preschool teacher and have had some autistic kids come through our school. I have seen first hand what their parents go through. Parents of autistic children are very special. It is such a complicated and misunderstood condition, and I know the emotional toll on the parents is great. God chose you because He knew you are the right mom for Matthias!

    Blessings and Hugs,
    Leslie

    Jennifer Ross said...

    This was not easy for me to read. It's really hard to understand why God allows this to happen, but I KNOW that His will is perfect. I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. God Bless.

    Matthias through autism 2006 till today

    With this video

    Press play first, then press pause, and let it load for a few moments, otherwise the video will stop to load it alot when your watching it.

    This song speaks so much to me,to know the trials I have gone through are not .. Unredeemed by Selah

    Matthias Road to Recovery - This is what Faith can do! .

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