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    Wednesday, July 22, 2009

    Walking with you, Grace for the Journey - The Sea of Grief

    Its that time again where I share my thoughts and feelings with a wonderful group I belong too called, Walking with you, Grace for the Journey.

    Please feel free to read on, and if you know someone/or if you are grieving the loss of a baby please tell them about this wonderful site.

    This weeks post is ' A Time to weep' Walking in the Sea of Grief

    Its so hard to delve into those raw emotions I felt instantly when I knew my son had gone to heaven. I huge aching hole was left in my soul, not just my heart. I cried all the time, and felt as if it would never ever end. For weeks and weeks I cried, sometimes in private, other times I would be at work just trying to do my job and the tears would come. I remember walking away from my desk MANY times because I started crying. MY soul ached for my son.

    Even though I know it wasn't my fault I went through those stages of, maybe if I wouldn't have done this, or that my pregnancy would have lasted JUST a few weeks longer and he would still be here today. The grief was so horrific and mind numbing. Even though I slept, I dreamed of him. Dreams of him being in my arms and me playing with him and singing to him. All I wanted to do was sleep. I remember the day I had to return to work, I just sucked it up and put on a brave face and went. My friends all asked how I was and I muttered I'm fine, but really... I wasn't. I was grieving every moment of the day. I remember thinking I would never be able to laugh again. When Christmas came (Keane was born in November) I didn't want to celebrate(which is not like me). I tried comforting myself by buying ornaments in memory of him, but anytime I saw them I cried. I put on a brave face for my family and friends, because I felt bad that I had somehow caused this grief in everyones life. I felt as if I had failed in my relationship with the Lord too, somehow I wasn't strong enough to just pull through this and cling to him. I won't lie at first I was extremely angry at Him. I had seen Him heal people time and time again, but why not for me? Why not my son?

    I wagged a bitter war with myself on this issue for a year. But thankfully, my God is a God of Grace and understanding. He knew what I was feeling, because He felt it too. Soon, I became a strong swimmer in the sea of grief. I learned how to manuever through the waves of grief on bad days, and how to float in the sea on good days. People often have asked me how did I move on? I didn't really 'move' on. I learned how to live WITH my grief, its a struggle, but you get there. To this day, my grief for my son Keane is still there in my core. I have days where it hits me out of the blue, and I accept that now. I will grieve for him, till the day I see him again and I cling to that, because thats how I have learned to be a strong swimmer in the sea of grief. Its keeps me going :). You learn little by little, day by day, how to adjust to the "new normal". I'm still adjusting 7 years later, but I am thankful for the Journey He has brought me on.



    Holly said...

    There are days when things just hit you with no warning. We have that hope of seeing our babies again and that alone is enough to get us through.

    Jennifer Ross said...

    I also kept thinking about the few extra weeks that we needed to be able to save Isaiah. It's heart wrenching! During Christmas time, I would go through the stores and look for different ornaments that I could put on the tree for Isaiah. I'm glad that you mentioned these things, it's hard to remember every little thing that you have gone through.


    Franchesca Cox said...

    "New normal". That is for sure. There is no going back to the way things were. We are completely changed because we have angels. It doesn't soften the blow but its good to know you're not alone in this.

    Franchesca Cox said...

    "New normal". That is for sure. There is no going back to the way things were. We are completely changed because we have angels. It doesn't soften the blow but its good to know you're not alone in this.

    Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

    Thanks for this honest and well-written post. I, too, remember some of my own feelings from reading your words. Like shopping for the perfect ornaments and strugling with the guilt of causing grief in the lives of my loved ones.

    God's grace does carry us through...and I'm so grateful.

    Love to you,

    Matthias through autism 2006 till today

    With this video

    Press play first, then press pause, and let it load for a few moments, otherwise the video will stop to load it alot when your watching it.

    This song speaks so much to me,to know the trials I have gone through are not .. Unredeemed by Selah

    Matthias Road to Recovery - This is what Faith can do! .